Dude that one I tagged me is from so long ago idk what even I was talking about lol
I was given laughing gas once, a while ago, some time in the summer. It gives a really odd experience, it reminded me of LSD. I’ve never actually taken LSD though so I wouldn’t know for sure.
But in those minutes that I was inhaling it, I was taken into another realm, in a sort. I saw weird things, heard loud noises, felt very odd all around. But I believed that was real life at that moment. I was so sure it was what was happening. And maybe it was. But I wasn’t in that new world I was seeing. So when the effects were wearing off, I began to question what I was seeing. I kept telling myself, “this isn’t real, it can’t be.” And I was scared. I was scared that maybe that was reality. Eventually I came back to my normal state of mind and figured that what I was seeing was not true. But what really scares me is that at those moments, when I was severely intoxicated by the gas, I believed in what I saw. I believed in every odd thin I was observing, in every odd thing I was hearing, in every odd thing I was feeling. It was real. It was more real than a dream, and it was more real than reality at that point.
Whenever I actually delve on this wonder what life really is. When the Qur’an says this life is delusion, could this be what it means? Because when I woke up everything I had witnessed seemed untrue and delusional. Is this what our lives will feel like when we die? Is that all our life is? A reflection, a mask, an untrue realm we live in?
•3/185: And what is the life of this world except the enjoyment of delusion.
•10/45: And on the Day when He shall gather (resurrect) them together, (it will be) as if they had not stayed (in the life of this world and graves, etc.) but an hour of a day. They will recognise each other. Ruined indeed will be those who denied the meeting with Allah, and were not guided.
•23/113: They will say: “We stayed a day or part of a day. Ask of those who keep account.”
“ I did the best science I could. I was struggling to survive and didn’t have the luxury of being a moral creature. As a researcher, I was ahead of my time.
You know what? I’m gonna accept who I really am.
I am shia. I have always been, even though I went through a time of ignorance and defiance in middle school. I called myself agnostic and was a complete idiot.
Then I repented. I now have identity within my religion. Imam Hossein is my savior, imam ali is my warrior.
I love books. When I read a good novel I feel like a vampire replenishing itself with the desire for beautiful words.
I feel like I need to write out my love in poetry and parade it around the world. I let my inner beast out when I draw and I don’t care about acceptance.
Sometimes I say I’m irani and sometimes I’m pakistani. Truthfully I’m none of either because I’ve never been to either place.
I like to think and seek answers from self reflection.
I love to pray and let my soul go free every night. I like to read Duas and worship the beauty of Allah through his creation, I like to be outside and breathe in the deep air because I only feel close to Allah when I drown myself in beauty.
I find it impossibly hard to pray on time five times a day and I feel so hopeless because of it. Yet the only words that keep my going are of a maulana whose name I forgot but who said “never give up hope.”
Inside there’s still part of me that is a punk teenager. There’s also a part that is a beauty living fangirl and another part that is an ill frail child. I am also a philosopher.
I do t always feel good about my body and I often feel annoyed it doesn’t look like I want it to. But I’m working to get it there and it will be there one day.
I also have a man inside of me. One that wants large muscles and has urges to fight and punch and be fierce. But I surprised that as well.
I can’t express my feelings for shit.
Yet another section is extremely thankful and another part is physically sick from asthma attacks and constant stomach pains. I’m sick of being sick. I’m sick of having to watch everything I do and I’m sick of losing control and doing things I don’t want to.
I set standards too high for myself and I can’t even keep up with half of them. I need to get a grip on my life but I can’t.
I’m working towards it.
95% of all dieters will regain their lost weight within 5 years. 35% of “normal dieters” progress to pathological dieting. Of those, 20-25% progress to partial or full-syndrome eating disorders.
Dieting places emphasis on quick weight loss, instead of emphasizing life-long health, wellness, and happiness. If any of the diet industry’s products worked, they wouldn’t be making billions of dollars a year from telling you you’re not good enough.
Re-learn how to eat intuitively and stop classifying foods as “good” or “bad.” You need food to survive! Stop dieting and start enjoying food again, rather than feeling guilty about it.
I say this alllll the time.
Today has officially been ‘the day of many cravings.’
This morning all I wanted was a nice sunny side up egg with a bagel, is that too much to ask for? But I can’t eat egg and all grains are a no no so I had to settle for bananas with milk instead. I guess on a normal day that’s fine but every single day is too much. I hate how my stomach is never normal.
Then lunch came around and I was fine and dandy but dinner…dinner today was bad. We have family over and so my cousin went out to get some awesome chicken tikka, kabobs, and naan. The chicken was AMAZING, shukr Allah for the ability to eat that. But I wanted a kabob. And the kabobs have egg. Again I was rejected. And naan…I haven’t eaten bread for so long and it smelled so good it took all my willpower to steer clear and I almost couldn’t, but then I remembered how horrible my stomach pains are when I do.
On top of all that there was carrot cake and lord knows how I used to love carrot cake.
I’m not complaining at my family for getting the food, just my stomach for being such an insufferable organ. Why can it not just be NORMAL. I am very thankful that I have food to eat and a working body, etc, etc, but still. Sometimes these things are unfair.
I will now post all my drafts.
So I’m deactivating this blog tomorrow.
(Source : residuetrail)
I’m in the car w my friend and her mom is getting mad at her ugh so awkward